I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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