Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
