oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
that is very illegal...i love you.
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