Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
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