Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize