I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
