So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Also, beer. Big fan.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
