I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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