I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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