I wish my penis had an off switch
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
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