How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i wish my penis had a tongue
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize