Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
