party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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