Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Alive.
So much puke
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
