somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
