Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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