So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
