yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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