the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
