Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
