two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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