I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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