remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
