I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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