Wow senior week shows you new things about yourself
Is this the I'm gay speech?
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
