Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
