I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
