id be glad to
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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