My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
