Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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