My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
