do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
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