i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize