You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
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