Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
