I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
