I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
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