You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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