So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
