dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
