I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
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