The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
