I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize