Little spoons don't ask big questions
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize
