you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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