OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
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