i love accidental penises.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
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