can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
nutella sex= disaster
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
