you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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