He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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