You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
