Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
ok first of all what the fuck
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
