What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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