like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
i am craving dick and cupcakes
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
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