things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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