i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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