He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
