If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
