Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
